Friday, 7 January 2011

The Past 9 Months and SHADOW WALKERS

No. I haven't been pregnant.

I got a haircut.

Not that that took 9 months, but I got a haircut. I also got into HNC Music. Been fucking shit up bass style y'all. Also got a fucking sweet acoustic bass for my birthday, 9 months ago. What else? My laptop is on the brink of death. Random crashses, completely fucked battery, power cable is almost in 2 parts and it's sparking everywhere.

Summer happened. Was very warm. Then Autumn. Was very windy. Hallowe'en happened and I can't really remember what I done. Now it's Winter and there is snow outside. Again. Every fucking time I have something to do it seems to snow. Christmas was lovely. Got a new jacket and some slippers and some shirts and jumpers and jeans and other things. Then New Year happened and I had a drunk women rub her arse into my crotch while I signaled "HELP SOMEONE GET HER THE FUCK OFF ME". No one did. Was very awkward.

Still working in Spar, although this week everyone apparently had the flu and I got called up a few times to cover some shifts (not that I did).

Anyway I know what you all came for.

Viral horror in the same strain as Resident Evil. A group of scientists and soldiers awake in a secret bunker overrun by terrifying razor-toothed mutants prowling in the darkness.
2 hours and 15 minutes of balls. As stated, a group of scientists and soldiers are trapped in an underground bunker, with no memory of who they are or where they came from, being spied on by Mortimer, who came stright from the 70's from the looks of it (round glasses, a bowtie, waistcoat and flairs). But this is no ordinary bunker oh no, this is a bunker filled with what can only be described as a gene-splicing of the Elephant man and a T. Rex. So, who are this heroic band of actors one step away from making porn? Well there is Clay (played by, you guessed it, someone actually named Clay Adams), the mad scientist who is responsoble for the mutants, then there is Reeves (not played by someone called Reeves), a soldier locked in the bunker to act as a punching bag for the zombie things. Then there is Julie. I don't know why she's there. I doubt she even knows why she's there. She's not a scientist and she's too 'puking all over the place' to be a soldier. Bah.
Where was I?
Oh yeah.
This group, and some other less important people (including asthma sufferer) who are only in the movie to die and what I guess the creators thought were cool ways (I swear, it's mostly really badly acted neck breaking), are locked in this bunker, which is laden with body parts, trying to find there way out and to survive. How do they plan to do this? Well by driving of course.
Now, I 've seen some pretty stupid things in my day. I've seen Commando and Last Action Hero, but this is just taking the WagonWheel. How would you usually expect someone in a movie to fight off a crazy zombie?
Bopping it on the head? Yes.
Shooting it in the head? Yes.
Using a lawnmower? Yes.
Biting it? What?
The general consensus seems to be you get bitten and you turn however we can totes bite them right lol?

Anyway, as the movie sadly goes on, we bare witness to asthma sufferer running and the having his 2 compadres try to save him by ripping his arms off. BFF's.
Next, there's some lesbian sexual harassment, which is quite odd, to be honest.
And with that out the way, the plot goes on. Our crazy scientist friend, Clay, decides that useless woman Julie is not useless, but a valuable experiment. Lies. Lies and slander I tells you. So he plans to kidnap the woman. But that goes horribly wrong as he gets kind if dragged off. I say kind of, well, large zombie thing grabs his head and then he starts walking backwards. Almost willingly. Like he wants the movie to end quicker.
So, our now hapless foursome find a jeep and yay! movie is over everyone is safe yay! Well no. Apparently, having your face ripped off doesn't kill you and Clay returns with a gun and one less arm, and he greets our best friends with a completely original and fantastical timed
"Lucy, I'm hoooome"
Now, that would have made sense if he had, say, opened a door and not just stood in a hallway. And it would have had more of an impact if it wasn't mid-coversation. It's like;
And more if there was someone called Lucy.
No one writes good scripts anymore.
Anyway, 2 of the lovely women get killed, lets call them Broken Neck and Ripped Out Spinal Cord, and we are left with Clay, Reeves and compeltely useful Julie. In a strange twist of fate, Reeves takes Clays gun and shoots him a few times, which Clay apparently can't feel now that he hasn't got a face, but it doesn't stop it from killing him.
With all the obstacles out the way, Reeves and Julie make their way out of the bunker and to safety. Huzzah!

And what of Mortimer? I hear you ask?
Well, he loses track of the duo and runs off to tell his boss, feeling up someone in the process. His boss gets angry and tells him to go find them again. He looks sad and moaps.

And end.


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