Friday, 7 January 2011

The Past 9 Months and SHADOW WALKERS

No. I haven't been pregnant.

I got a haircut.

Not that that took 9 months, but I got a haircut. I also got into HNC Music. Been fucking shit up bass style y'all. Also got a fucking sweet acoustic bass for my birthday, 9 months ago. What else? My laptop is on the brink of death. Random crashses, completely fucked battery, power cable is almost in 2 parts and it's sparking everywhere.

Summer happened. Was very warm. Then Autumn. Was very windy. Hallowe'en happened and I can't really remember what I done. Now it's Winter and there is snow outside. Again. Every fucking time I have something to do it seems to snow. Christmas was lovely. Got a new jacket and some slippers and some shirts and jumpers and jeans and other things. Then New Year happened and I had a drunk women rub her arse into my crotch while I signaled "HELP SOMEONE GET HER THE FUCK OFF ME". No one did. Was very awkward.

Still working in Spar, although this week everyone apparently had the flu and I got called up a few times to cover some shifts (not that I did).

Anyway I know what you all came for.

Viral horror in the same strain as Resident Evil. A group of scientists and soldiers awake in a secret bunker overrun by terrifying razor-toothed mutants prowling in the darkness.
2 hours and 15 minutes of balls. As stated, a group of scientists and soldiers are trapped in an underground bunker, with no memory of who they are or where they came from, being spied on by Mortimer, who came stright from the 70's from the looks of it (round glasses, a bowtie, waistcoat and flairs). But this is no ordinary bunker oh no, this is a bunker filled with what can only be described as a gene-splicing of the Elephant man and a T. Rex. So, who are this heroic band of actors one step away from making porn? Well there is Clay (played by, you guessed it, someone actually named Clay Adams), the mad scientist who is responsoble for the mutants, then there is Reeves (not played by someone called Reeves), a soldier locked in the bunker to act as a punching bag for the zombie things. Then there is Julie. I don't know why she's there. I doubt she even knows why she's there. She's not a scientist and she's too 'puking all over the place' to be a soldier. Bah.
Where was I?
Oh yeah.
This group, and some other less important people (including asthma sufferer) who are only in the movie to die and what I guess the creators thought were cool ways (I swear, it's mostly really badly acted neck breaking), are locked in this bunker, which is laden with body parts, trying to find there way out and to survive. How do they plan to do this? Well by driving of course.
Now, I 've seen some pretty stupid things in my day. I've seen Commando and Last Action Hero, but this is just taking the WagonWheel. How would you usually expect someone in a movie to fight off a crazy zombie?
Bopping it on the head? Yes.
Shooting it in the head? Yes.
Using a lawnmower? Yes.
Biting it? What?
The general consensus seems to be you get bitten and you turn however we can totes bite them right lol?

Anyway, as the movie sadly goes on, we bare witness to asthma sufferer running and the having his 2 compadres try to save him by ripping his arms off. BFF's.
Next, there's some lesbian sexual harassment, which is quite odd, to be honest.
And with that out the way, the plot goes on. Our crazy scientist friend, Clay, decides that useless woman Julie is not useless, but a valuable experiment. Lies. Lies and slander I tells you. So he plans to kidnap the woman. But that goes horribly wrong as he gets kind if dragged off. I say kind of, well, large zombie thing grabs his head and then he starts walking backwards. Almost willingly. Like he wants the movie to end quicker.
So, our now hapless foursome find a jeep and yay! movie is over everyone is safe yay! Well no. Apparently, having your face ripped off doesn't kill you and Clay returns with a gun and one less arm, and he greets our best friends with a completely original and fantastical timed
"Lucy, I'm hoooome"
Now, that would have made sense if he had, say, opened a door and not just stood in a hallway. And it would have had more of an impact if it wasn't mid-coversation. It's like;
And more if there was someone called Lucy.
No one writes good scripts anymore.
Anyway, 2 of the lovely women get killed, lets call them Broken Neck and Ripped Out Spinal Cord, and we are left with Clay, Reeves and compeltely useful Julie. In a strange twist of fate, Reeves takes Clays gun and shoots him a few times, which Clay apparently can't feel now that he hasn't got a face, but it doesn't stop it from killing him.
With all the obstacles out the way, Reeves and Julie make their way out of the bunker and to safety. Huzzah!

And what of Mortimer? I hear you ask?
Well, he loses track of the duo and runs off to tell his boss, feeling up someone in the process. His boss gets angry and tells him to go find them again. He looks sad and moaps.

And end.


Wednesday, 14 April 2010

I am 21 in 8 days

I am.

Means I can look down on young people.

Anyhoo, nothing much has happened. Pub shut down for about 4 months, then reopened, been watching a lot of Jerry Springer, and downloading manly things.

Started using my facebook account and twitter.


My knee. My left knee is fuuuuuuuucked beyond belief. Like, when I walk, the right kneecap feels like a normal functioning kneecap, however, the left one, now, this fucker is off the hook. Not only does it feel unsatisfyingly soft when I walk on it, it also pops every so often, and at the right angle, feels kind of crunchy. This is not how a knee should feel.
I blame work.
I know I blame work for everything, but I really do blame work.
You see, when cleaning shelves (lol he works in a shop) I have to kneel down on said knees. That, coupled with the scrubbing and whatnot, adds a little movement and rolling onto the knee, which has arsed the shit out of it.
So it hurts to walk long distances.
Which sucked on monday because I went for an 8 mile walk. Shit was intense.

Anyway, one other thing I want to bring up is the hilarity that is Infinity Ward/Activision shenanigans.
If you don't know what happened, Activision (big game publishing company, devilspawn, see Guitar Hero and CoD) fired the 2 heads of Infinity Ward (game developers, see CoD:MW + 2) Vince Zampella and Jason West, who were pretty much the driving force behind the studio, under false pretenses (according to Activision, they were doing bad things, irony). Now, Vince and Jason took Activision to court for not paying royalties ($26 million each), however, Activision went all pussy and said they voided their contract.
Anyway, they didn't get their money, and Activision have filed a countersuit.
Now, here's the fun part. Vince and Jason have now joined Respawn Studios, started by Activisions rival, and the ex-antichrist of videogames, EA. Since then, 9 other members of Infinity Ward, including lead designer and lead programmer (2 quite important jobs) have resigned, and are now rumoured to go and join Vince and Jason at EA.
What does this mean, I hear you say? Well, now, Activisions biggest investment and franchise (CoD) has barely got a studio to make it, and their rivals, EA, now have some of the most talented people in the industry.
And people said Robert Kotick was smart.

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Zone Horror Shenanigans Pt. 2

So, there's more crap on the crap channel, apparently.


A huge albino man with incredible strength became a vicious killer known as the Spiker. Now, he's out of the nut house and plunging railway spikes into his squishy victims once again.

That's right people, a wig wearing man is plunging railway spikes into cheerleaders (who seem to wear their cheerleading uniforms constantly, just so you know they're cheerleaders). So, worst intro I've ever seen in a movie. Large, blond wig-wearing man (with added visible wig line) walks out of lake, where there just so happens to be a man hammering (not with an actual railway spike machine thing, but a hammer) railway spikes into a railway, walks up behind the man, picks up his spikes without him noticing and stabs him in the shoulders.

Last time I checked, stabbing someone in the shoulders with railways spikes wasn't exactly lethal (painful, but not lethal).

So, anyway, our cheerleaders. 3 guys, 3 girls. One of the girls is apparently a cheerleading medium who likes to party, the other is the neice of a woman who got murdered by said wig-wearing, attempted-murderer. Crazy coincedence, I know.

So, anyway, during a seance, performed by the partying cheerleading medium, something happens to neice woman, which apparently, made her spiriturally and physically, but at different times get up and walk out her seat, without anyone noticing. Awesome, you would think. Well, awesome, it is not. Why, she comes back, still unnoticed (not even by her seancing drunk cheerleading boyfriend) with a burst lip. THAT'S RIGHT! Not stabbed with railway spikes, but punched in the fucking face.So, after much deliberation and partying, they decide to go investasplore, only to come across the groundskeeper, who looks homeless and lonely. He tells them of blah blah blah blah, he knew neice girls aunt who got murdered, tells them to be careful yadda yadda yadda.

Anyway, after everyone has sex(with trousers on), the murdering begins! (Huzzah!). First, while making out, cheerleader/medium girls boyfriend gets a railway spike through the noggin, like a right twat and somehow manages to pull a tongue-coming-out-mouth face, even though he is brain dead/normal dead (apparently people live after they die). Cheerleading Partedium girl, also gets the murdered done. Gets a spike thrown in the back, but somehow manages to slowly crawl away and make it back into the house that's in the middle of nowhere (did I mention they where in a house in the middle of nowhere? I think I did). Anyway, she dies as soon as everyone sees her, face covered in blood, because shoulder wounds can do that to you.

So, they try to get away, but alas, there is a head in the bonnet of their SUV (SUV's cannot run if there is a head in the bonnet), so they run back into the house and lock themselves in the bedroom. Lo and behold, the groundskeeper is in there waiting for them, for some reason. He says stuff and then leaves, apparently oblivious to the fact that there is a large albino with railway spikes.

One other thing about this 'albino'. He has blue eyes. Haven't albinos got pink eyes?
I'm pretty sure they have.

So, anyway, things happen, albino smashes through wall, almost kills a guy, then a policeman arrives (not in a police car, but a normal car) and gets nailed to the wall, everyone goes to investigate (geenus!) and guy gets stabbed in the shoulder, but LIVES! Wild, I know.

Afterwords, everyone runs off in their own directions. Girl, who I haven't talked about yet, because she's boring and does nothing hides in a cupboard, but get killed, and hidden in some sort of loft. Guy who was this girls boyfriend (who had an axe) finds dead girlfriend and screams like a bitch, gets killed by said axe from above and dragged up the way (kind of shit).
Neice girl, on the other hand, is still alive, and sees her dead aunts ghost and gets scared, runs about and finds guy-that-got-stabbed-in-shoulder, still alive and looking groovy, and they head off to the safest place in the house, the easily accessible basement.
Have these people not planned for things like this? I mean, I have. If I get attacked by a railway spike killing albino, I'd kick him in the balls and break his fucking nose.
Anyway, they try to escape, but albino man stops them, and corners them in 'piano room', where he goes to kill neice woman, but she starts playing the piano, which apparently makes him walk backwards and away.

Anyway, after a long chase sequence, they all die.

This was a waste of a movie.

And 2 hours of my life.

Sunday, 1 November 2009

i've been thinking again

See these people that have extra limbs and whatnot? Can they actually use them? Like, right now on DMAX +2, there's one of those 'My Shocking Story' things, and this guy has 3 legs and 4 arms (and a wife and a kid, surprisingly) and it got me thinking, how awesome would it be to have 4 arms? You could pick up 4 large objects at the same time! Or punch someone lots of times!

That would be awesome.

And another thing, can this guy, like, run faster because he has 3 legs? Could he outrun a car? We'll never know.


Okay, so, no, he can't run faster than a car. He's hopping about on one leg with crutches. My dreams of creating a super-human olympic team are shattered.


Anyway, advert time. Women who were pregnant but didn't know. They were just getting fat and were sick every morning and had a fucking fetus growing in them because it was something else.
People are absurd. And fucking stupid.

Oh look, it's Patrick Moore talking to, what looks like, a massive pretentious prick.

I give up on TV for tonight.


Friday, 25 September 2009

oh god i have absolutly no life whatsoever

So, you know what I realised today?

The amount of vidya I have bought over the past 2 weeks.

Yep, it's a surprsing amount.

It's not 1 game, oh no. It's not even 3 games.


8 games over the last 2 weeks. That's 4 a week. Which is 1 every second day.

Let's go over them, shall we?

To start us off, Batman: Arkham Asylum. Did not like at all.
I really don't see what all the fuss is about. It's not a 'superb stealth game', it's a mediocre brawler with stupidly easy 'riddles' thrown in.
Next, Red Faction: Guerilla. Was OK at best.
Why do game developers think that is they want to make a good game, all they have to do is put a colon in the title? You buy it so you can run around and make building collapse in fantastic detail and with amazing physics. Or at least that's what the developers want you to think.
What you actually get is a massive empty wasteland with a number of small, failry rubbish building to topple, which by the way, stays up even if the only thing left is a tiny leetle strand of brick. Not what was stated.
WarioWare Touch!
is actually really good.
Half the time I have no idea what the fuck I'm supposed to do, and it's hilarious.
The World Ends With You. Surprisingly good for a Squaenix game. Only thing that lets it down is the massively emo protagonist.
Battlefield: Bad Company. Brilliant game, even with the colon.
Seriously, fuck MW. You can't blow holes in walls in that.
Endwar. I've never felt like a bigger tit in my entire life.
The voice control is amazing, but you feel like a dick. The whole idea was amazing, but sadly, no one plays online. Probably because they don't want to sounds like dicks.
Halo ODST. Why hasn't anyone I know got this yet?
Yeah, ok, so 5 hour campaign. So what, it's good. In fact, it's brilliant. Nathan Fillion. He's in it. Firefight is better than horde mode any day as well.
Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2. Bringing my 2 loves in life together, the vidya and the comic.
So, I completed it 23 minutes ago. Got in and started playing it at 3pm, so thats...11 hour story. Very good story, very good gameplay (brawler, but much, much better than batman). Only let down is the character roster. When they began making it, Activision said there would be loads of characters to play as, including Cable, War Machine, Lady Deathstrike and a lot more.
None of those characters are playable.
They're in the game, but not playable. But being Activision, I can see some expensive DLC coming out soon.
The only other bad thing is that the playable Nick Fury is a cock jaw nano version thats suck balls.

Anyway, that's it. 8 games. 6 I actaully liked.

Someone give me a real life pl0x.

Sunday, 20 September 2009

new toast (bet that hasn't been done to death yet)

I read an article today about an ex-Asda employee who licked chickens at work. Made some sense.

Anyway, for the past 2 weeks, I have been doing barely anything. College has set itself in with a violent urge, and work hasn't been all that lovely either (although I go this weekend off, which was nice).
Was Kellys birthday on the 11th, and I got her one of those nabaztag things (pretty much a kettle) and it's not working properly. Spent almost an entire day prodding it.

Didn't work.

Anyway, lately I've been blowing the shit out of everything in Bad Company and looking like an arse in Endwar. The whole 'voice command' thing is awesome and works perfectly, but you still manage to look like a massive dong while doing it.
Been reading comics as well (obviously). Almost finished the entire Earth X saga (exciting and boring at the same time) and The Gunslinger Born (Stephen King book, apparently).
Nothing much. The college band has been trying to play 'Crazy Train', but we keep getting stuck at the chorus. We got all the way through 'For Whom The Bell Tolls' though, which felt awesome.

And that's pretty much been it.

Sunday, 30 August 2009

this is essentially what i look like

That is what I look like.

Got the idea that since I can't draw things from scratch, I would take pictures of people doing poses and work from there. Didn't really work either.

But meh.