Thursday 3 December 2009

Zone Horror Shenanigans Pt. 2

So, there's more crap on the crap channel, apparently.

SPIKER!

A huge albino man with incredible strength became a vicious killer known as the Spiker. Now, he's out of the nut house and plunging railway spikes into his squishy victims once again.

That's right people, a wig wearing man is plunging railway spikes into cheerleaders (who seem to wear their cheerleading uniforms constantly, just so you know they're cheerleaders). So, worst intro I've ever seen in a movie. Large, blond wig-wearing man (with added visible wig line) walks out of lake, where there just so happens to be a man hammering (not with an actual railway spike machine thing, but a hammer) railway spikes into a railway, walks up behind the man, picks up his spikes without him noticing and stabs him in the shoulders.

Last time I checked, stabbing someone in the shoulders with railways spikes wasn't exactly lethal (painful, but not lethal).

So, anyway, our cheerleaders. 3 guys, 3 girls. One of the girls is apparently a cheerleading medium who likes to party, the other is the neice of a woman who got murdered by said wig-wearing, attempted-murderer. Crazy coincedence, I know.

So, anyway, during a seance, performed by the partying cheerleading medium, something happens to neice woman, which apparently, made her spiriturally and physically, but at different times get up and walk out her seat, without anyone noticing. Awesome, you would think. Well, awesome, it is not. Why, she comes back, still unnoticed (not even by her seancing drunk cheerleading boyfriend) with a burst lip. THAT'S RIGHT! Not stabbed with railway spikes, but punched in the fucking face.So, after much deliberation and partying, they decide to go investasplore, only to come across the groundskeeper, who looks homeless and lonely. He tells them of blah blah blah blah, he knew neice girls aunt who got murdered, tells them to be careful yadda yadda yadda.

Anyway, after everyone has sex(with trousers on), the murdering begins! (Huzzah!). First, while making out, cheerleader/medium girls boyfriend gets a railway spike through the noggin, like a right twat and somehow manages to pull a tongue-coming-out-mouth face, even though he is brain dead/normal dead (apparently people live after they die). Cheerleading Partedium girl, also gets the murdered done. Gets a spike thrown in the back, but somehow manages to slowly crawl away and make it back into the house that's in the middle of nowhere (did I mention they where in a house in the middle of nowhere? I think I did). Anyway, she dies as soon as everyone sees her, face covered in blood, because shoulder wounds can do that to you.

So, they try to get away, but alas, there is a head in the bonnet of their SUV (SUV's cannot run if there is a head in the bonnet), so they run back into the house and lock themselves in the bedroom. Lo and behold, the groundskeeper is in there waiting for them, for some reason. He says stuff and then leaves, apparently oblivious to the fact that there is a large albino with railway spikes.

One other thing about this 'albino'. He has blue eyes. Haven't albinos got pink eyes?
I'm pretty sure they have.

So, anyway, things happen, albino smashes through wall, almost kills a guy, then a policeman arrives (not in a police car, but a normal car) and gets nailed to the wall, everyone goes to investigate (geenus!) and guy gets stabbed in the shoulder, but LIVES! Wild, I know.

Afterwords, everyone runs off in their own directions. Girl, who I haven't talked about yet, because she's boring and does nothing hides in a cupboard, but get killed, and hidden in some sort of loft. Guy who was this girls boyfriend (who had an axe) finds dead girlfriend and screams like a bitch, gets killed by said axe from above and dragged up the way (kind of shit).
Neice girl, on the other hand, is still alive, and sees her dead aunts ghost and gets scared, runs about and finds guy-that-got-stabbed-in-shoulder, still alive and looking groovy, and they head off to the safest place in the house, the easily accessible basement.
Have these people not planned for things like this? I mean, I have. If I get attacked by a railway spike killing albino, I'd kick him in the balls and break his fucking nose.
Anyway, they try to escape, but albino man stops them, and corners them in 'piano room', where he goes to kill neice woman, but she starts playing the piano, which apparently makes him walk backwards and away.

Anyway, after a long chase sequence, they all die.

This was a waste of a movie.

And 2 hours of my life.